George: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing... we don't care and it shows.
George: This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance?
Jerry: Oh, that's nice.
George: I got him Yankee tickets. He's saying, "I gave your gift to someone else."
Jerry: When George was growing up his father hated all the commercial religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
Elaine: Oh, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
Jerry: And instead of a tree didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
George: Stop it.
Jerry: Weren't there feats of strength that ended up with you crying?
Jerry: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that. It's all computerized. Technology. They're cloning sheep now.
Kramer: No, no, no. They're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep. I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin Show.
Kramer: What are those?
Harry: Those are raisin bagels.
Kramer: I never thought I'd live to see that.
George: So attractive one day, not attractive the next.
Jerry: Have you come across this?
George: Yes, I am familiar with the syndrome. She's a two-face.
Jerry: Like the Batman villain?
George: If that helps you.
George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give Christmas presents at Kruger so I'm pulling a Whatley.
Jerry: A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. What is that?
George: Made it up.
Jerry: The Human Fund. Money for people.
George: What do you think?
Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity.
Jerry: Happy Festivus.
Kramer: What's Festivus?
Jerry: When George was growing up his father...
George: Stop it. It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist.
Elaine: Happy Festivus, Georgie.
Kramer: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific.
Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us.
Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
Frank: She was.
Frank: And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer: And is there a tree?
Frank: No. Instead there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Frank: Let's do it then. Festivus is back. I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.
George: What is that? Is that the pole?
Frank: George, Festivus is your heritage. It's part of who you are.
George: That's why I hate it.
Frank: George you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes.
(Frank presses play on the tape recorder. Voices are then heard.)
Frank: Read that poem.
George: I can't read it. I need my glasses.
Frank: You don't need glasses. You're just weak. You're weak.
Estelle: (yelling) Leave him alone!
Frank: All right, George. It's time for the Festivus feats of strength.
(George slams the tape recorder and turns it off.)
George: (gets up and runs away) Oh, no. Turn it off. There's no feats of strength. I hate Festivus.
Frank: We had some good times.
Kramer: (on strike) No bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, yow!
Kramer: (upon seeing Elaine after she was in the steamy bagel shop) Yamahama, it's fright night.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I got a little steam bath.
Kruger: George, we've got a problem. There's a memo here from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
George: Well, there could be.
Kruger: But there isn't.
Kruger: You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
George: Well, sir, I gave out the fake card because I don't really celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Festivus.
George: Festivus, sir. And I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, sir.
George: Happy Festivus.
Frank: George. This is a surprise. Who's the suit?
George: Dad, this is my boss Mr. Kruger.
Frank: Have you seen the pole Kooger?
George: No, he doesn't need to see the pole.
Frank: He's gonna see it.
Frank: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength to weight ratio.
Kruger: I find your belief system fascinating.
Bookie: Hello, again, Miss Benes.
Elaine: What are you doing here?
Bookie: Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out and we got this bagel place...
Kramer: (interrupting) I told them I was just about to see you. It's a Festivus miracle!
Kruger: (to Kramer) Dr. Van Nostrand?
Kramer: Oh... that's right.
Frank: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it.
Frank: You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks.
George: Oh, God.
Frank: Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute... Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... (places his hands on his head) ... I lost my train of thought.
Jerry: Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
Gwen: Kramer told me.
Kramer: Another Festivus miracle!
Elaine: Hey, how did my horse do?
Bookie: He had to be shot.
Frank: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
George: Not the feats of strength!
George: Kramer, you can't go. Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
Kruger: How about George?
Frank: Good thinking, Cougar. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over.
George: Oh, please. Somebody stop this.
Frank: Let's rumble!
(Voices are heard inside the Costanza house)
Estelle: I think you can take him, Georgie.
George: Hey, come on. Be sensible.
Frank: Stop crying and fight your father.
George: Oh, oh I give. I give!
Frank: This is the best Festivus ever!