Recently, FestivusWeb was contacted by a person who suggested there should be a Festivus blessing. Of course, Festivus is a non-secular celebration, but couldn’t there be a few Festivus-related words said to mark the beginning of the Festivus dinner?
Here it is! I hope you don’t laugh too hard:
Dear Father, Frank Costanza, father of Festivus. We wish you serenity now and call upon you to bless this meal. With your blessing, we hope for a Festivus miracle to explain why Estelle Costanza prefers to put lettuce under meatloaf.
Let us take solace in the strength-to-weight ratio of the unadorned aluminum pole. Yea, it is a fascinating belief system, and the lack of tinsel proves to be much less distracting.
We give thanks to Festivus, as it has saved us from going doll shopping for our sons. We say a thankful prayer we are no longer forced to rain blows upon any other person just for the sake of a doll. Yea, it was some doll. She was.
We pray the strike at the bagel shop ends and Kramer is allowed to go back to work. We all know he has been struggling since he was let go from his fake-job at Brandt-Leland.
As we are reminded of the bad lighting on the porch, let us pray for our shallow friend Jerry, and hope he can continue to date his girlfriend Gwen in well-lit venues.
Let us not forget poor Elaine who was devastated to discover she lost a sawbuck with her bet on Captain Nemo in the third race at Belmont. Also, bless Captain Nemo. We pray he is doing well, since we haven’t seen him in the paddock lately.
Lastly, we pray for a successful feats of strength where the head of the household is deftly pinned, and doesn’t require more than two aspirins to dull the pain. We are reminded of a young George Costanza who was accused of being weak when he couldn’t participate in the feats of strength because he had misplaced his glasses. We give thanks to his boss Mr. Kruger who kindly nominated him to wrestle his father in a rematch, thus giving him the chance to redeem himself in the annals of Costanza family glory.
I’ve got a lot of problems with you people and now you are going to hear about… excuse me, I lost my train of thought.
Wishing you a great Festivus dinner!