One Hundred Festivus Grievances

We present to you, one-hundred Festivus grievances, great and small, published on our website during Festivus 2018. We hope you enjoy this list, and find some gripes you didn’t realize you had.

The numbering is not a ranking.

  1. We need to go back to the old soda bottle caps !
  2. My is how a hacker/scam artist/scum/slimebag stole my savings with hacking my phone and gaining access to my account.
  3. Pet Peeves: 1. When making a right or left turn, please do not swing out into the left or right lane in order to make said turn. You do not have to do that. 2.Driving 20 miles under the speed limit in the left lane. 3. Stores that decorate for a particular holiday months ahead of said holiday. 4. My husband who leaves his dirty socks like a trail of breadcrumbs around the house for the LAST THIRTY YEARS
  4. I am tired of being put down by everyone just because I am vegan. I feel that vegans deserve to enjoy Festivus as well. Our lentil loaf is not the same as a meat loaf but its still quite nice if spiced correctly.
  5. Quit leaving your socks in the living room!
  6. I’m tired of hearing about gender reveal partys. I think they’re bonkos.
  7. I never use my printer but it is always out of ink. Does the ink evaporate?
  8. If the government shuts down will anyone notice?
  9. Why do we need to ruin a scenic overlook with a sign that say’s “Stay Back”? Can’t we just let Natural Selection do its job?
  10. You left my butter up on the roof!
  11. Chip bags are mostly air!
  12. Greg Gordon dropped the game winning pass in April 1987
  13. Dudes who ghost – after you’ve been dating for months
  14. She had a football shaped goiter jutting out of her neck. They should tell you up front, height, weight, goiter. Going in blindly with out goiter information is not cool.
  15. Maybe the dingo will bring your baby back?
  16. People do not know how to merge!
  17. I got a lot of problems with you people when it comes to my coffee and you are going to hear about it! Do not go through a coffee drive-thru and order 4 to 6 items! One, maybe two max! Do not go through a drive-thru and take time to read the menu- go inside! If i get black coffee it means no cream no sugar dear! Stop nagging me about iced coffee- you drink it your way, I’ll drink it my way. That hot stuff is dangerous sometimes. Do not “infringe on (my) constitutional rights. It’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous.” And when I do drink the hot coffee, do not fill it to the top so i spill it on myself dear. And when I order it out, put the stopper on! Sometimes i gotta put it in my coat pocket to sneak it into the movie theater after all. Safety first! Now, feats of strength baby!
  18. NETFLIX keeps raising it’s prices just so it can produce more Adam Sandler content.
  19. I think we all should take a moment of silence in memory of those things we lost with the ending of Seinfeld. Our lives were forever touched. Rock on puffy shirt! No soup for you, Soup Nazi! Susan’s envelopes
  20. 24 hour news programs that create phony outrage when nothing really newsworthy happened that day.
  21. Girl, Your inability to accept evidence in hand and delay the tests because you don’t want more people in your life, has driven me insane. Stop being so damn uppity.
  22. No matter what lane I am in it seems to be the slow lane.
  23. Of course the girl I want to date is dating another man. For you two, my anger and disappointment is ineffable.
  24. Gabe Kapler! He blew the Phillies season with this analytics shit ! Pulling out Aaron Nola opening day was a joke !
  25. Television shows stop airing new episodes at Christmas, which is just the time of the year when I have time to watch tv.
  26. I wish my belt-less trench coat had a belt.
  27. Button-fly jeans. Takes too long to get down to business in the “office.” Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty. It never stops. You have to be vigilant. That dog that won’t stop barking next door. Pottery Barn catalogs.
  28. Co-workers that ask you advice BUT DON’T FOLLOW IT!
  29. The dingo ate your baby !!
  30. You’re a RABID anti-dentite !!!
  31. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Stop sharing your opinions, everyone already has their own and no one cares! Don’t worry about what I’m doing; I’m fine and I didn’t ask you for anything anyway! Spend some time minding your own business for once! Stop being offended about things that don’t concern you (that includes my choice of pants, Frank!)
  32. I’m out of bagels!
  33. The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam since one-hour martinizing.
  34. Well said.
  35. Your stupid Art Film was nothing more than you getting a chance to exploit naked females you want to sleep with unfortunately one was my husbands mistress I’ll never get that 20 minutes back someone should suspend your artistic license forever.
  36. Why isn’t schnapps listed under beverages!? It’s the key to the vault!
  37. My horse had to be shot.
  38. The cast of Seinfeld couldn’t get out a reunion movie if they had a hot date with a smooth sheet anti-dentite in a puffy shirt . . shrinkage .. losing my train of thought . .
  39. Polar Express you and your passengers are not cute you are creepy.
  40. I have a major problem with the one percent narcissists.i despise the liars and the margin of error in my work to pay ratio. More than that I can’t stand the level of stupidity at my workplace.
  41. You know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation. And that’s really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
  42. My wife and her cat gang up on me.
  43. Here’s mine. During the holidays you were basically relegated to the kids table. Oh, how you longed to one day make it to the adult table. Then you realize it was much more fun to be little!
  44. People eating crunchy food in a quiet room. For the love of the grumpy go outside.
  45. I wish Michael Richards had never done stand-up comedy. Then we could still watch him on TV.
  46. I am very disappointed in the auto drivers who create traffic snarls due to cell phone usage. Red lights are the worst, should I honk at them?
  47. I thought Mexico was paying for the wall.
  48. Trump is still president
  49. Why no Seinfeld reunion?
  50. Nobody likes my meatloaf. I bake it with love. Why no meatloaf love?
  51. People stop looking at phone walking down stairs.
  52. Stupid tap dancers at Sydney Carols By Candlelight who said you could tap-dance to “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!”. That is the song that got me second prize at the Sir Thomas Aged Care end of year frolics. When you attain THAT standard I will think about letting you perform an abridged version of MY act. Plus it is Sydney no way is it going to snow.
  53. If parents would discipline their children at home, would mean I don’t have to do it at Walmart. Do you job!!!
  55. Your passive aggressive comments about how long it’s been since our last visit will NOT make us want to visit any sooner.
  56. Because of Seinfeld I cannot get the lyrics to “Downtown” out of my head.
  57. People who drive with no headlights. They’re either incompetent or stupid. Either way it’s not good.
  58. When you give someone the finger while driving and they stop to ask, “Why did you do that?”
  59. Donald Trump… ‘nuf said
  60. You couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.
  61. People in Seattle can’t take off their backpacks on the bus!
  62. We set a fridge on fire twice.
  63. Respect matters. Every year I cook. This year, I wanted to eat out. This year, I am cooking. Again. Chateaubriand topped with onion strings, sauteed mushrooms glazed with red wine, and scalloped potatoes. All I asked is that they dress for dinner. My part will take a couple hours, theirs maybe 15 minutes. Okay, 20 minutes for black-tie optional. I think that’s reasonable, but no. It is too much effort. (I get the last laugh – no f**king dessert for them!)
  64. When did the exclamation point become obligatory to express a positive sentiment? Without it, replies and requests now sound flat or outright dismissive. “I passed that suggestion on to Rob.” “Thanks.” compared to “Thanks!” “Can you help get the equipment ready for the presentation?” “Sure.” compared to “Sure!” I want to know who is responsible for this unnecessary and artificially cheerful nuisance punctuation fad!!!!!
  65. I am done with contributing to holiday food days at work. I bring in a veggie platter and not one person ate any of it. This is not the first time. Last time I made monkey bread and it was not touched. If they have a problem with me then tell me about it but until then, I am done. I will no longer participate and waste my money on you stupid people. I even told them the same. Not afraid to air my grievances.
  66. Purple hair is for My Little Pony figures, not grown women pretending to be competent at anything!
  67. Don’t say “Oh” when you mean “Zero”!
  68. I got a lot of problems with you people! Now, you’re gonna hear about’em… I detest having to share my office with the most bitter, impulsive and mean woman that no one in our department and whole workplace can stand.
  69. All you people out in public in your pajamas! It needs to stop! Have a bit of pride!
  70. Quit calling any politician/ celebrity who is having trouble due to their own dumb behavior embattled!
  71. I don’t get the whole hole-y jeans fashion thing. I work at a school and I saw someone wearing a pair of jeans that was more holes than jeans…I started to ask her if her family was struggling to buy new clothes, then I realized that as a teacher she made a decent enough salary….
  72. Why can’t toddlers wipe their own snotty noses?
  73. Stop idling your car for like 10 minutes before you get in and drive off. It is a total waste of gas, polluting, noisy, and does not help your engine!
  74. My teenager has no ambition!
  75. Going to the movies with your mother and finding out there’s a sex scene.
  76. Get off your can and take care of yourself!J
  77. I worked all f$$king week. I have earned the right to sit on the couch and do nothing for a change. You however have been sat in the same chair all week watching YouTube. Get off your ass and fucking do something before you open your God damn mouth.
  78. People with no car mufflers: DIE! Thank you.
  79. I have a lot of problems with you people!
  80. Walmart is putting out the Valentine’s Day candy… on 12/22/2018.
  81. I don’t like anybody who writes anything on Facebook I don’t trust them
  82. Let’s start with the government, why can’t they just agree on funding our government for agencies like DoD, TSA, Border Patrol, Coat Guard and Interior. If they can’t fix their budget, then they don’t get paid. Not the ones who are doing all the work. What branch of service did Pelosi become a veteran of? None! Exactly. Why care about those who protect our country when we can worry about election and media air time. Get it together people!
  83. My in-laws are the worst
  84. Why is it, every time I reach for a jar in the refrigerator, then it happens, the jar of mayonnaise drops on the floor. Why? Because you people can’t tighten a lid. I feel as though making a sandwich is dependent on my skills at the coin operated crane child’s game at Denny’s.
  85. When you post things on Facebook there is always that person who won’t comment online but they save their remarks for when they see you in person.
  86. I don’t want two small salads, I want a big salad.
  87. Is your turning signal broken?
  88. My office is relocating right in the big middle of the holidays. Packing/moving is the worst.
  89. My wife lost weight and now I have to lose weight. Why couldn’t she stay fat?
  90. Why isn’t roughage called “slippage”? C’mon, people!
  91. If you dip the chip and take a bite, don’t dip it again. End it.
  92. When people can’t just be truthful about their feelings
  93. I have a friend who is a conversational narcissist. Every time I open up to her about difficult things going on in my life, the conversation always swings back to her and her problems. I am happy to be a listening ear when she has an issue but its always different when I have one and I am fed up!!!
  94. I pre-tape the edges before painting but the paint bleeds under the tape and is worse then if I had not taped it. Yet I still pre tape?
  95. The bed sheets in my motel room were tucked too tightly.
  96. When you buy a pair of shoes at Walmart they have to open the box and look inside the shoes like you’ve stashed other things in there.
  97. Happy Festivus, I have too many issues to list here. Let’s just say most people suck lately and leave it at that.
  98. Don’t use the indicators on your Audi. It confuses other motorists. They expect it to rain jellybabies first.
  99. How do we know the dog food is any good. Who tests it?
  100. Why do men have tendency to fart when their are next to people on the train? I do not want to smell your unwashed A$$. Are you all marking out your “territory” in the morning??

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