Festivus is one day away and the excitement is building. People are gauging the strength-to-weight ratio of their aluminum pole, going to their neighbor’s place and borrowing the ingredients for meatloaf (don’t forget the bed of lettuce), checking their list of grievances one last time, and preparing the living room for a robust feats-of-strength competition. Let’s Rumble!
Festivus is near!
Facebook user Eric posted this pic to show how Festivus was upon us. We were even more impressed that WDRB, South Indiana News, gives Festivus equal billing along with Christmas Eve and Christmas. It’s a Festivus Miracle!
A Public Pole
James Neiss/staff photographer for the Niagara Gazette in Niagara Falls, NY took a photo of a Festivus Pole that had been erected at Schoellkopf Park. It is a beautiful pole, stubby yet strong. However, it is covered in tinsel. We surely hope it doesn’t distract any nearby drivers. Accident rates could go up!
On Facebook, Holden posted a picture of his “Festivus everlasting fruit cake.” Apparently, Festivus lasts forever and so does this fruitcake. It looks as fresh as the day it was bought.
Twas the Night Before Festivus
Twas the night before Festivus, when, incredibly somehow, Not a Costanza was arguing. We’ve reached serenity now. The aluminum pole was placed in the corner with care, In the fear that Mr. Frank Costanza would soon be there.
Kramer, Jerry, George and Elaine nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of H&H Bagels Danced in their heads. And Estelle with her eyejob and her proclivity to lie, Had just settled down to eat a slice of marble rye.
When out on the street there arose such a clatter, George sprung from his childhood bed to see what was the matter, Away to the window he flew like Superman, “You think you’re better than me!” screamed a passing doorman.
The faint yellow street lights on the week-old muddy snow Gave the lustre of mid-March to sidewalks below, When, what to George’s wondering eyes should appear, But a big obnoxious Cadillac, it was just what he feared.
With a little old man, so quite off his rocker, George knew he was in for quite a shocker. More slowly than snails he walked up I do tell, “I feel vigorous!” (he had just worked out with a dumbell);
“Now, George! now, Jerry! now, Estelle and Krueger! On, Elaine! On newcomers and Mr. Kramer! I got alot of problems with you people, Now you’re going to hear about it!” (The poor sheeple).
As dry heaves set to music fly, When Costanza found himself a challenge, he wore a thin tie. So up to the table head Costanza flew, With a heart full of problems, and hypertension too.
And then, in a flash, George heard in his mind The flails and wails of each of Frank’s fists after they dined. As George cowered in fear, and was turning around, In came his father with a bound.
He was dressed in drab clothes, from his head to his toes, And his clothes were all stained from kasha and heroes; A major knot normally strained his old back, Today he looked like he could carry a TV Guide-filled sack.
His eyes — how they were cold! his ears how hairy! His cheeks were wrinkled, he scared the hell out of Jerry. His droll little mouth was spurting out spit, And it spouted “George! Come on! Take a hit!”;
The stump of a cigar Cosmo Kramer held tight in his teeth, The smoke encircled his hipster doofus head like a wreath; He had a long face and a non-existent belly, That only could be filled at the Carnegie Deli.
Frank was chubby and plump, a right crazy old man, And George cried when he saw him, the Feats of Strength began; A raging fire in his eyes and a pile driver to the head, Soon let George know he had everything to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, Fighting his son, with a very slight smirk, And finally letting up for a second as a joke, He had his son George’s neck in a choke;
He sprang to his feet, to his family he shout, And away they all flew, they needed to get out. But they heard him exclaim, as he finished the fight, HAPPY FESTIVUS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!